Why Being an Artist Sucks.

Studio photo by my friend Will Diamond

A little over a month ago, I created and closed my first (and very successful) immersive art installation, From the Ground Up, with my friend Joseph Abu. It honestly took me a while to deeply reflect on the exhibit and now that I have fully digested the experience, I’ve made a startling conclusion: I really don’t like being an artist... it actually kind of sucks.

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m throwing in the towel on painting or sculpting but I does mean the death of my art career as I know it. That may sound absurd but bear with me. I’ve been creating art since I can remember and growing up in the household that I did, I was blessed with the opportunity to boundlessly explore my creative interests - building legos, tinkering with small motors, building micro-habitats for flora and fauna, sketching, and painting to name a few. Even into my early 20’s I’ve freely created art in various mediums and disciplines with little to no pressure at all. It wasn’t until 2021 when I made the decision to more seriously pursue becoming a working artist that I felt more weight on my creativity and it’s output. Since I made this decision, I’ve shown paintings in 10 different exhibits (2 museums, 1 solo exhibit, 1 self-curated exhibit, 6 group shows), designed a wine label with my artwork, and have had my art staged in luxury residences. These figures aren’t to boast, but instead, to show that I’ve hit the ground running doing what I believed an artist should do yet somehow, I haven’t felt as fulfilled with my practice as I’d hope.

Painting style from 2021 (Gold and Abundance)

Since From the Ground Up, I’ve been preoccupied with finding deeper connection with my spirituality, pushing myself in the gym at 5:30 am for some insane reason, reconnecting with friends and family, and executing my day job at a high level (more on this in another post). Notice how I didn’t mention that I’ve created artwork since then, because I haven’t.

I’ve actually been avoiding it, and as I journaled I realized that I put far too much emphasis on trying to be and “artist” by title instead of creating freely as myself under my own terms. It’s funny how things like that can happen, you strive to attain a goal, push for what you think is right, only to find that it isn’t what you thought - a classic tale of expectation vs. reality. Ultimately, it was my expectations that let me down - my expectations of being following a specific route to be validated as an artists, specifically a painter. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been grateful for the growth of my practice and the therapy that creating my painted “realms” provides me, but I’ve finally admitted that I yearn for more than than the title of “artist” that I took on.

Painting Style from 2023 (Through the Fire we Found Purpose) That’s some growth if I do say so myself.

In this short time of reflection, I’ve been able to recalibrate and explore how I want to share my messages with the world. I’ve identified that I have a fear of being all that I am and all that I can be which caused me to enclose myself in a a creative box that I had a hard time breaking free from. I’ was bored, knowing that there’s so many ways to express my creativity that I either stopped doing completely/haven’t pursued because they didn’t fit the plan, or out of fear that I’d be misunderstood in my messages and artistic intent. The funny thing about that is, the point of being an artist or creative isn’t to always about being understood. It’s sometimes about breaking barriers both within and for society. Other times, it’s about creating for the sake of it… there is no blueprint. I began to miss the mark the moment I decided to try and create a blueprint for who I was creatively. Obviously there’s a need for some structure, but self-limiting beliefs shouldn’t be part of that structural plan nor should fear of being an expansive soul.

So yea, being an artist sucks but only when the definition is limited by oneself or by outside opinions. I’m not saying you’ll see me now performing 12 disciplines of artistic expression all of a sudden, but there’s a new calmness in giving myself the grace to put the brushes down and expand my practice into new ventures or revisit old ones, to play, and to not take myself so seriously. Like I said before, there is no blueprint, only your truth and how you choose to embrace it as you navigate the waters of life. Are you letting yourself exist limitlessly, or do you have expectations that are holding you back?

Let me know your thoughts below!

Sincerely,